Spock Bigalow: Male Gigolo
by I Am Spock
Summary: Nyota has broken up with Spock at a real bad time..during his Pon Farr. Now Spock must find a way to satisfy his mating instinct and get Nyota back before he goes insane and dies. What's a sex craved Vulcan to do? Humor! Read and review! One Shot!


An: I just couldn't resist! Here is another over the top, humorous portrayal of the alien everyone knows and loves…Spock! One shot!

I just thought of this randomly.

If you are not aware of my style…please read my profile first. Or read the Misadventures of Spock/Nyota then you will see where I am coming from.

**Spock Bigalow: Male Gigolo**

Nyota had been avoiding him for several days now and Spock couldn't figure out why. Was it something he said? Or done?

Spock always made sure to compliment her clothes or her hair, but not everyday. Who wants to be complimented everyday?

Indulging in the human need for compliments was too much for him at times.

He urgently needed to find out what he did to make her so upset and apologize, because in the next few days he was going to need her.

Big time.

"Hey Spock did you find my toothbrush?" Kirk came out of his room wearing nothing, but his underwear. A skinny blond haired woman swung from his arms.

Spock again tried to keep his cool with Kirk who was his friend. The moron lost his apartment and needed a place to stay. It was trying his patience to no end, but Kirk was his friend and it was the logical thing to do for a friend.

"It would be safe to assume that your toothbrush is in the bathroom." Spock was dressing himself for class and wanted to leave early to catch up with Nyota.

"Remember honey we were in the bathroom…"The blond haired woman nibbled Kirk's neck, which was already red from hickeys. The two flirted and Spock suppressed a frown.

He had work to do.

"Jim, it's your turn to clean the apartment today. Please this time remember to clean the toilet." Spock walked towards the door, the image of Kirk's vomit floating in the toilet last week was enough to make him sick.

"Have fun getting Nyota back!" Kirk kissed his woman and Spock left.

Spock had to cover for a sick instructor today who taught a beginners Vulcan language class and was pleased Nyota would be meeting him in the lab to work.

He could talk to her then.

(Nyota's apartment)

"Are you telling me that you and Spock never had sex?" Gaia eyes widen and she laughed hard.

Nyota threw a shoe at her. "Don't laugh."

The green Orion giggled and rolled onto her stomach, "Did you put the moves on him?"

"Yes! I danced, I sang, I kissed him, but nothing seems to work. I don't think he is interested in me, well not sexually at least." Nyota didn't want to discuss her lack of a sex life with an Orion. They had been going together for at least six months and nothing short of a kiss on the cheek was shared between them.

It insulted the beautiful communications officer's pride that Spock didn't want to sleep with her and she decided a few days ago to break things off with him.

But she didn't have the courage to tell Spock.

"Maybe Vulcan sexual desires aren't as hard core like ours. They might not get as horny as we do!" Gaia smiled and saw Nyota wasn't please with her words. "I am sorry about teasing you. Maybe he was only using you because he was lonely. Who knows?

"No, its okay. I deserve a man, human or otherwise who will want to be with me…all of me."

Nyota put on her uniform and said goodbye to Gaia.

She went to the language lab.

(Lab)

The class was over and Spock waited until everyone left to give himself some privacy. Nyota, however, had other plans.

Gathering her things quickly Nyota attempted to rush out of the lab when Spock stopped her.

"Nyota, I been trying to contact you for a while. Is there something wrong?" Spock asked sincerely.

Nyota rolled her eyes. "I been avoiding you."

"Why?"

"What are we? Are we a couple or aren't we? I mean we been together for months and haven't even had sex. Don't you find me attractive?"

Spock did find Nyota to be attractive and thought she knew , but he couldn't tell her why he refuse to sleep with her.

"I know this must be hard I just need you to understand." Spock was interrupted by the appearance of a large human male standing in the doorway.

"Nyota are you ready? We're going to be late!"

Nyota lower her head, "Spock, it's not going to work between us. Let's just be friends."

Spock said nothing and Nyota left.

(Spock's apartment)

"She did what?" Kirk asked in between slipping his beer. Bones smoked a cigar and laughed softy.

"As a doctor smoking a cigar is contradiction, cigars are bad for your health…"

"And so is not getting laid for you my friend!" Bones interrupted and beer squirted out of Kirk's nose.

Both men couldn't stop laughing.

"Oh man! Explain this Pon Farr crap to us again!" Kirk crashed into Bones who laughed so hard his face turned red.

Spock hesitated. He did not like nor understood human jokes.

"I've already explained to you how it works."

"Explain it again."

"Every seven years, Vulcan males are over taken by a primitive and ancient mating drive when they _must _mate. If they don't they lose their sanity and die. We don't speak of it, because it's embarrassing and it stands in stark contradiction to who we are as logical beings. "

Kirk started choking on his beer.

"Dude, what a way to undermine such a discipline race and here I wondered as to how Vulcans mated. It doesn't seem like you guys do."

"Vulcans like all species must mate to reproduce or they will die out." Spock stopped talking he could see that the men were only making fun of him, but Spock wanted to point something out, something both men didn't realize.

"Vulcan males on average have three times the stamina of human males and we please our mates _very_ well."

Kirk and Bones eyes widen in embarrassment. Spock had put them in their place.

"So now that Nyota has broken up with you and put you to shame by bringing her new boy toy around, what are you going to do?" Kirk asked.

"I am going to have to find a way to take care of it."

"Take care of it?"

"Yes, either through fighting or by mating."

"How? Nyota isn't your girl anymore."

"Yes, I am aware of that, but Nyota isn't the _only_ girl at Starfleet now is she?" Spock's eyes revealed a hidden devil, seductive and calculating.

Kirk and Bones exchange glances, they could see Spock's mating drive was beginning to change him…into something else.

Spock went to his room and the men laughed some more.

The effects of the Pon Farr were beginning to take shape.

His hands shook violently times.

He needed to sleep more.

His arms and limbs were heavy.

His senses were heighten.

His territorial lust of Nyota increased.

They were bonded via the mind meld, however, never officially consummated their relationship. He truly thought Nyota understood his feelings for her, but humans were such tactile creatures and constantly need to touch something.

The logical side of Spock warned him to make amends with Nyota so he could mate, but that logical side was succumbing to the illogical side of his human ancestry and the need to make his former lover…

Jealous.

(Three Days later)

Nyota and her new boyfriend David were enjoying their dinner at a local Bajorian restaurant far from the Starfleet base.

David wasn't as bright or as attractive as Spock was, but at least he was affectionate and made her laugh.

They were talking about random things and David cracked jokes about people in the restaurant, and Nyota laughed a hearty laugh, but then her attention was drawn to the entrance.

There was a man coming in with several women hanging off his arm. Normally, Nyota would not have given it another thought, but something about the man's face seemed familiar.

He wore a black hat and a dark suit.

The women hanging off him laughed joyfully at his words.

David turned to see what caught Nyota's attention.

"Whoa, looks like somebody scored!" He said and Nyota positioned herself to see who was this man that commanded the attention of such beautiful women.

The doors open and the group walked in. Everyone stopped and stared. Nyota gasped. She couldn't believe it.

It was Spock! And damn did he look good!

Spock was laughing. He was so human! His smile seem to brighten up the place. The women were various shades.

They took a table directly across from Nyota. Not one time did Spock look at her.

Nyota tried to keep her attention on David, but couldn't just what the hell was wrong with Spock? Her food fell out her mouth, his voice was full of emotion, and his eyes reflected his new identity.

He whispered playfully in the ears of the surrounding women who giggled like schoolgirls.

David had to clue who the man was, but wanted to salute him.

It was a man thing.

Spock kept his ears covered so he would appear like a human man and it worked. The women hung onto his every word and the jokes he told was so funny even Nyota had to laugh.

"So what did you do to him?" The girls asked.

"I told him that if he stepped any closer to me…I would kick his ass! Like this!" Spock mimic the ass whopping he was describing and the women melted like hot butter.

Nyota had no clue Spock was ever in a fight. He never discussed such things with her.

Then Spock began to talk about his ex-girl. Her.

"Yes, I was in love once!" Spock kissed the dark skinned woman's neck. "With a woman who looked just like you, only you're much better looking!"

"What happen?" The women said in unison.

"I had to let her go; she wasn't doing the job if you know what I mean!" Spock raised an eyebrow and started laughing and groping the woman's ass.

As if in a horror movie, **(you know the part when the corpse turns it head slowly and scare the victim to high hell) **Spock turned to face Nyota and gave her his most evil 'How does it feel bitch' smile. When he winked his eye seductively, Nyota stormed out of the restaurant.

She could hear Spock laughing.

(A day later)

Kirk and Bones decided to have a guys night out and wanted Spock to come along. They wanted to see how his Pon Farr was going to affect him among other women, but Spock refused. At first, Spock regretted his actions at the restaurant this was the logical side and yet when Kirk said Nyota would be there...logic went out the window.

Kirk and Bones had nothing on but simple jeans and a shirt, but Spock came out his closet wearing an outfit so nice it eclipse anything Kirk had on.

Kirk felt humble next to him.

"Watch out! Here comes the Vulcan!"

Spock grinned and Kirk stepped back.

"What's the matter you never seen a Vulcan smile before? I got to make a stop first." Spock took his jacket and walked out the door.

Kirk and Bones was speechless.

(At the club)

Nyota told Gaia what happened and the Orion screamed.

"What the fuck is wrong with him? Vulcans don't act that way!"

"He winked at me!" Nyota could feel herself becoming turned on by this 'new' Spock, but his behavior went against all Vulcan logic.

"You must have done something to him Nyota! Are you sure you didn't lay that puss…" Christine joked and Nyota stopped her.

"We never slept together!" Nyota snapped.

"I bet you wished you did! Spock is fine! I mean I would increase my pheromones and have that Vulcan speaking all kinds of illogical shit!" Gaia laughed.

"Vulcans are immune to Orion's pheromones!" Christine corrected Gaia.

"Really? Oh well!" Gaia sighed.

The women sat a small table wearing their Friday night best, Christine waved at Kirk, and Bones who had just came in. Bones winked at Christine who smiled.

"Yeah, man you won't be believe this shit!" Kirk was more exited than usual.

"What?" Nyota asked.

Kirk pointed in the direction of Spock who was dancing with same women from the restaurant. His shirt was unbutton and Nyota felt her desire for him increasing. One woman in particular was grinding Spock from the front, a seductive form of poll dancing. And Spock was growling like wild beast.

"Son of a bitch!" Nyota screamed and stomped her foot.

"Don't go over there! It what he wants!"Gaia pulled Nyota's arm.

No one could believe his or her eyes; it was like a horrible dream.

A dream that involved an illogical and horny Vulcan.

Spock moved the women to side and walked over to the group. He wanted to teach Nyota a lesson, he wasn't going to be made of fool out of, and he scanned the women to see who would fall to his seduction the easiest.

That woman was Christine.

"Hello, Christine!" Spock purred the words.

"Hi…Spock!" Christine melted, her voice was full of flutter, and Spock could see it worked. Human women were just as easy as Orion women were. They just didn't want to admit it.

Spock extended his arm to her and without hesitation, Christine accepted.

Bones was furious.

"Wait just a second…..what the hell are you doing?" Bones snapped.

Spock shot the doctor 'You don't want to mess with me' stare.

Bones back off. He knew just how strong Vulcans were and was in no mood to get his ass kicked.

The night went on and group watched as Spock did just about every form of dance with Christine and his women. It was sickening and disturbing on so many levels.

But one could turn away. There eyes were glued to the horror.

Spock made sure to position himself in Nyota's direction. He wanted her to see.

And she saw.

Everything.

Finally, Spock started shouting the lyrics to an ancient rap song…

"Raise the roof"

And his women did the same thing.

The DJ pointed to Spock.

"Hey everyone this is my man Spock! Show him and his women some love!"

The women formed two long lines, and Nyota rolled her eyes.

They were making a soul train.

She taught him the dance after watching the ancient Soul Train television show, but thought Spock didn't actually paid it any attention. She was mistaken.

And that mistake humiliated her greatly.

The women took turns going down the line, dancing, and acting crazy! When it Spock's turn he did the splits, the robot and breakdance… all at the same time.

Kirk was jealous. Spock could dance.

_Shit! How could this uptight Vulcan know how to dance and score better than me? _Kirk thought to himself.

Spock jumped up and down, yelling, "Oh Yeah! Hell Yeah!"

Nyota wanted run over there and rip his ears from his head. But at the same time she was turned on and it was funny.

"Look at him go! Spock has moves!" Kirk laughed.

"Fucking Pon Farr!" Bones snorted as he watched Christine grind like a wild on woman Spock's back. Her hair covered his shoulders and she screamed like a woman possess.

"Pon Farr?" Nyota asked. Spock never discussed this with her.

Bones and Kirk exchanged glances.

"Yeah, Spock isn't acting this way just because he wants too. It 's his Pon Farr. It occurs ever several years it's the Vulcan mating drive." Bones answered.

"Mating drive? Then why is he acting like this?" Nyota pointed to Spock who was slapping a woman on her ass and making out with another.

"Perhaps he is half human and reacting like a human man who was dumb rather rudely by his girlfriend." Kirk reminded Nyota and then came up to her side, "But don't you worry about him, I going through my own Pon Farr. Want to help me with it?"

Nyota rolled her eyes and pushed him back. "At least Spock's Pon Farr occurs every several years, yours is forever!"

How could he do this to her?

Still, she couldn't help, but smile. Spock was sexy as hell and he kept his ears covered so not to reveal his Vulcan identity.

Gaia was turned on too, but didn't say anything.

Everyone kept on watching the rare, disturbing sight.

(Next day)

Lucky for him it was a Saturday and that meant no classes, for Spock had the worst hang over in Vulcan history. However, it did not come from alcohol, but from the chocolate covered strawberries his women fed him last night. He should have refused since chocolate had a powerful intoxicating effect on Vulcans, but he didn't. He had too much fun.

Fun. What an odd choice to describe last night's events.

He acted like a fool. His Pon Farr coupled with his human feelings towards Nyota was affecting everything.

He shifted and turned in his bed and rolled over something soft.

He looked down.

It was Christine.

He forgot he took her home with him.

Then the covers moved on both his left and his right side. Pulling them off the bed Spock eyes widen.

He had taken all the females home!

Spock knew he must have slept with all of them for they were naked and their bodies had multiple bite marks and scratches, a trademark of primitive Vulcan mating.

Perhaps his Pon Farr was satisfied even if it came at the expense of his dignity.

Spock put on his clothes and tip toed quietly out of the room. Kirk and Bones sat in the living room.

There eyes were bloodshot. They looked like Zombies. And Spock found himself struggling to not bust out laughing.

"Well howdy fucking ho!" Bones wanted to punch Spock in the face.

"Is there something the matter?" Spock asked. It was a dumb question, but he had to work at getting his Vulcan mindset back.

"We hope you enjoyed yourself, because we didn't!" Kirk eyes were red as flame.

"Bones did you say the night?" Spock asked.

"Yeah, I was drunk and hoped to sleep it off here. Guess I was wrong!"

"We couldn't get any sleep! You and your women fucking in there like wild animals! You sounded like a boar or something. I guess Vulcans have better stamina after all!" The bags under Kirk's eyes gave him a pathetic look and Spock felt bad. But then he reminded himself Kirk had done the same thing to him….plenty of times.

The men turned to see seven women standing at the doorway naked.

"We're hungry!" They said in unison.

Spock pointed in the direction of the kitchen and the women went into the cabinets like hungry animals.

"I will replace all the food." Spock lowered his head.

"You better!" Kirk snorted.

Spock went back to his room. His head hurt, but his pride hurt more. There was no way Nyota was going to take him back now.

The sheets were dirty and smell of sex. Spock was disgusted.

"Spock had enough sex last night to last him several Pon Farrs!" Bones noted and both men laughed despite their splitting headaches. The women sat in the living room eating whatever they could find.

Spock found himself unable to leave his room.

The sex last night did nothing to satisfy the Pon Farr.

Now what?

(Saturday night)

Nyota, Gaia, and Christine again tried to go out, but this time with their respective boyfriends, with the exception of Christine.

Christine did not want to tell them what happen with Spock, she was drunk and ashamed. But damn it, if the Vulcan didn't know what he was doing!

She had her fun but said nothing.

Gaia wanting to add some fun to the mix invited Kirk and Bones who ignored Christine. He knew she was with Spock, but said nothing because both him and Kirk wanted Spock to get back together with Nyota.

"Where is the life of the party?" Gaia asked. Her 'date' was just a cover, she too wanted Spock.

David wrapped his arms around Nyota.

"He decided to say at home." Kirk lied. He saw Spock getting ready for another night out on the town.

"I don't want to see him!" Nyota snapped.

The night went on as usual with everyone drinking and laughing until the crowd began to part ways.

Kirk and the others tried to see who it was….

It was Spock.

The DJ again pointed at Spock. "Yeah, this is my main man Spock! The only man I know who can get down better than me. Show some love!"

People in club clapped and the women eyed Spock from afar.

Spock could feel his ears turning read.

Spock this time came along and had on another nice outfit, but his ears were covered.

"Hello." Spock greeted everyone.

Nyota rolled her eyes.

"Well, Spock where are your…" Kirk stopped when Bones punched him in the chest.

"I came by myself; I wanted to talk to you Nyota."

"I have nothing to say to you!" Nyota snapped.

"Please! Nyota I can explain everything."

David stood up and positioned himself in Spock's view.

"Man! She doesn't want to talk to you!"

Spock could feel the primitive instincts rising in him again. How dare he block him from Nyota, a woman who he shared a mind meld with?

"Excuse me sir, but I believe I was speaking with Nyota. Not you." Spock moved to see Nyota when David again blocked his path.

"You can't hear with those fucking ears! Yeah I know you're Vulcan! What in the hell happen? Some sort of mid life crisis?" David was massive in comparison to Spock and Nyota cringed.

For all of David's strength he wasn't nothing compared to Spock.

Kirk and Bones moved. It was going to be a fight. David brought his friends with him and Kirk was ready. It's been a long time since he fought anyone.

Spock was making an honest effort not to haul off and hurt David.

But David kept on making his jokes about Spock.

Spock again tried to talk to Nyota when David pushed him.

It was official.

The straw not only broke the camel's back but killed it.

Spock swung and punched David in the jaw. It was so hard everyone thought David was dead.

David bounced back.

"You little shit!" David went after Spock who dodged him easily.

Kirk and Bones gave each other a high five. They wouldn't have believed this was possible even if someone had show them a tape. Nope, they needed to see this for themselves.

Spock avoided David's punches without effort and seeing that their friend needed help, David's buddies jumped in. Spock was knocked down by surprise only and Kirk and Bones stepped in.

Kirk gave David's friend Malcolm, a strong punch in the back of the head. Malcolm stumbled, but was caught by Ethan who managed to kick Bones in the back.

The women watched.

Nyota was turned on. Spock was holding his own against David.

David reached out to hit Spock who came up by his neck and with one pinch, David fell to the ground.

Bones got the upper hand against Ethan, but Kirk was still struggling.

Spock came up to Ethan and knock him out with a simple pinch.

When it was all done, Kirk who looked like he was beaten by ten men motioned to Spock.

"You okay?"

"What an illogical question, you were the one that needed my help."

Kirk rolled his eyes.

Nyota stormed out.

Spock followed her.

"I can't believe you did that! You think after this you are going to get me back?" Nyota was fussing and Spock who still hadn't completely finished his Pon Farr wanted to hear none of it. He needed to finish off this urge.

He took her by the waist and kissed her passionately. Nyota felt she was going to drown in the pleasure and found herself no longer wanting to struggle.

The others watched and Kirk made plans to spend the night with Bones.

He wasn't going to get any sleep at his place tonight.

(The next morning)

Spock was finished with his Pon Farr and was pleased that things worked out with him and Nyota.

Thinking of her he pulled the covers down to see her face, she looked as if she had been assaulted. Bruises dotted her body and there was a rather nasty bite mark on her neck. It was savagely beautiful.

She slept peacefully in his arms.

The lovemaking was heighten by the mind meld, which explored their mental and physical desires.

He knew however, Nyota was going to ride his ass about his behavior and he was okay with that.

Because he planned on riding her ass too.

An: I hope you liked. Yes, I totally went my own way with the Pon Farr but it's a fan fiction! So please no long drawn out review about Vulcan making habits. I know! It's humor.


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